macauley used to be so cute

Tonight is my first night home alone ever. My mom went to visit my sister up north, and my dad is on call at the hospital. I've been alone at night in apartments before, but there multiple tenants, a common locked door, and second-story windows gave me a sense of security. I've been scared of my house since I was a child, and remnants of that irrational fear linger today.

When I was little, I spent most of my time in my room or my sister's room. The living room was set up for guests, so we never played there. At night, I would stare down my hall looking into that dark and ominous hole as the rest of my family stayed in the other side of the house ("other side" being no more than 15 feet away). Whenever I had to get something from the living room, I peeked out my door, mentally mapped my plan of attack, and ran to whatever it was I absolutely needed. Then I would run back, carefully slowing down near my parents' door to effect a cool demeanor. If you've ever been to my little house, you know how ridiculous this is.

By high school, I became afraid of the garage. One winter, a bunch of maniacal rats entered our garage, chewed up my dad's engine (resulting in $3000 in repairs), and maimed most of my childhood dolls. Shortly after that incident, I saw a huge rodent scurry across a beam in my garage, which scared the crap out of me. Ever since then, I hate going in there at night. I realize that rats are smaller than me, but remember, I irrationally fear small animals. Plus, because of all the trees in my backyard and my neighborhood, my family and I practically live on a wildlife reserve. Opossums, (freakishly big) squirrels, raccoons, peacocks, birds of all sizes, and, of course, bees all hang out here. Once in a while, they somehow show up dead (perhaps after a small animal rumble), and I make my little sister take care of it.

My friends at school generously offered to let me stay at their place tonight, but I figured I should just deal with this. Though, I think I subconsciously avoided "dealing" with being alone with my house at night: with a research memo, forty pages of constitutional law, a torts assignment covering "the hardest material of the semester" (quoting my torts prof), and a large latte in front of me, I might not have to sleep alone in my house after all.